Saved by the Bell: The Lost Episodes #1 “Beach Season”

So, a while back my friend Matt and I decided to write some Saved by the Bell fan scripts.  Basically, being long-time fans of the show, and also being of the absurdity of it (for instance, it is the ONLY show I have seen that seems to have absolutely no continuity whatsoever–it’s almost cartoony), we figured we could write something faithful to the series and at the same time a bit more realistic, using the archetypes of Zack, Kelly, Slater, etc. to really make something funny here.  We forgot about these for a while, and have spent a bit of time cleaning them up and making them readable for people other than us.

Anyway, thought it might be fun to post on here.  The SBTB legacy lives on, and apologies for the length!

Warning: There is some coarse language and adult situations in the script. You’ve been warned.







(ZACK comes down the stairs to the usual hallways, crowds of students passing on each side.)

ZACK:         (to camera) Ah, the first day of spring. What a great time to be young. School’s almost done for the year, flowers blossom, love is in the air…

(A group of four GIRLS scantily clad in low-cut volley-ball outfits walk by and all give Zack a wink.)

ZACK:         And more importantly, beach volleyball starts.

(The audience hoots as SLATER and SCREECH approach, followed by JESSIE, LISA, and KELLY.)

ZACK:         Man I love this time of year!

KELLY:        Wow, Zack, I’ve never seen you like this before. What gives?

ZACK:         What gives?!

(Zack looks to SLATER and they both nod.)


(The girls grumble.)

SCREECH:      I like going to the beach in the winter, it’s far less crowded.

LISA:         Oh, so you can spare everybody seeing your pale, weak body?

SCREECH:      No, my sweet, because I don’t want these guns getting anyone into trouble.

(SCREECH flexes his arms, the audience hoots and hollers and goes wild.)

LISA:         (distracted)Oh, that reminds me, I gotta’ go buy at least ten new bikinis!

KELLY:        Why ten, Lisa?

LISA:         One for each man, duh?

(Ten MEN mysteriously walk from off-screen shirtless, grabbing LISA and carrying her off. Audience goes wild.)

ZACK:         Just think of it, Slater. Me and you and loads of bikini babes. Good thing we’ve been pumping iron all winter, huh?

(Audience cheers.)

JESSIE:       That is so sexist I don’t even know where to begin.

SLATER:       Oh can it, mamma.

ZACK:         Yeah, relax Jessie. Go find a nunnery somewhere.

(Audience boos, KELLY smiles.)

JESSIE:       Don’t tell me you go for this, Kelly?

KELLY:        Well, why not? I work hard on my body. Whaddya think, boys?

(KELLY stands back and lets ZACK, SLATER and SCREECH check her out, she bends over in front of them.)

BOYS:         YOWZERS!

(KELLY and JESSIE walk off, SLATER looks nervous.)

ZACK:         What’s wrong, Slater?

SLATER:       Oh, nothing, Preppy.

ZACK:         Well, this weekend, we have a date with destiny.

SCREECH:      Who’s Destiny, Zack?

ZACK:         A tall blonde girl with great proportions Screech, that’s who!

(Audience cheers, ZACK and SCREECH walk off. SLATER stands for a minute, pinching his mid-section, noticeably unhappy with his physique.)

SLATER:       Yeah, great. Beach season…


(The GANG, minus SLATER, is sitting at the usual table. SLATER walks through the door.)

ZACK:         Hey, Slater, over here!

(SLATER walks up to the table, grabs and chair and sits, SLATER-style.)

SLATER:       Hey guys, what’s going on?

ZACK:         We’re trying to plan a trip to the beach, but no one has a car.

KELLY:        (to SLATER) Your dad usually lets you borrow his car, doesn’t he?

SLATER:       Uh, yeah, sometimes, I guess. But, I don’t know if–

ZACK:         Oh, come on. You’ve got to get him to loan you the car.

SLATER:       I don’t know, guys. I mean we go to the beach so much. Maybe we could do something, you know, different.

ZACK:         (confused) Different than the beach?

LISA:         Um, I just bought all those bikinis. I better be out in the sun.

SCREECH:      (holding up a bottle of lotion) I’ll rub this lotion on you to protect you from sunburn my sweet.

LISA:         Keep your hands off me, you creep.

JESSIE:       Screech, that says SPF 200. Why do you need lotion that strong?

SCREECH:      Staying this hot is no accident, duh!

(Everyone rolls their eyes. Audience cheers.)

ZACK:         So, Slater, what do you say? Can we get your dad’s car?

SLATER:       I don’t know guys, it’s just–

ALL:          Come on, Slater!

SLATER:       (yelling) Forget it, guys! We can’t have the car! Now just…just leave me alone!

(SLATER gets up and storms toward the front door.)

ZACK:         Slater, wait!

(SLATER doesn’t stop, leaves.)

KELLY:        Oh, no. I wonder what’s wrong with him?


(SLATER is walking alone, between classes, thinking to himself. He imagines for a moment…)


(The gang has spread their things along the ground and they all begin to disrobe. ZACK takes off his shirt to reveal an obvious stunt-double: rippled muscles everywhere. SCREECH does the same, everyone cheering as he does, his body just as impeccable underneath. SLATER is wearing thick sweatpants and a thick sweatshirt.  KELLY, JESSIE, and LISA are in the background.)

ZACK:         C’mon, Slater! Take your shirt off!

SCREECH:      Yeah, buddy! Show us all what you got!

GIRLS:        Yeah, let’s see your muscles SLATER!

SLATER:       I better not.  I may catch a cold.

ZACK:         Don’t be stupid. Here, I’ll help! C’mon, Screech!

(ZACK and SCREECH make their way to SLATER and begin pulling up his shirt.)

SLATER:       No!

(SLATER tries to run, but Zack tackles him.)

ZACK – Hey girls! Come help!

(The girls meander over and they all lift his shirt off, revealing the torso of an obvious 60-year-old man. The gang gasps as SLATER stands, then they start laughing. SLATER tries to hide, but to no avail. Soon all the onlookers are pointing and laughing, everyone beginning to break into a chant.)

ALL:          Slater Slater two-by-four, can’t fit through any door! Fatty! Fatty!

(SLATER keeps trying to hide, burying himself in the sand, etc. as the barrage continues.)


(SLATER shakes this fantasy out of his head.)

SLATER:       I gotta do something about this.

(SLATER begins to sweat and turns the corner of the hall only to run into MR. BELDING.)

SLATER:       Oh, sorry sir.

BELDING:      That’s okay A.C. Say, you ready for beach season?

SLATER:       (surprised) What?

(BELDING backs up a few steps and begins to flex.)

BELDING:      Gives you something to aim for, doesn’t it, son? In fact, (BELDING walks to SLATER and begins to inspect) we have a pretty similar body type. Well, have a good one, son!

(BELDING walks away whistling, SLATER runs.)

SLATER:       No!


(The lights are dim and SLATER is sitting in a corner. An unnamed JOCK comes in.)

JOCK:         Psst, Slater, you in here?

SLATER:       Yeah, I’m over here.

(SLATER emerges from the shadows.)

JOCK:         I got what you asked for. You sure about this?

(The JOCK hands a package to SLATER, who unwraps it. SLATER pulls out a long needle marked STEROIDS.)

SLATER:       You sure it’ll work?

JOCK:         Oh yeah, this is some powerful stuff.

SLATER:       Then yeah, I’m sure about this.

(SLATER walks to the mirror and stabs the needle in his neck. His veins begin to puff as they process the liquid. SLATER stares at himself.)

SLATER:       (smirking, in pain) Look out world, here I come!


(The gang is standing around the lockers. SLATER walks up.)

JESSIE:       Slater, are you ok? We’re really sorry about yesterday. We shouldn’t have pressured you to take your dad’s car.

SLATER:       No sweat, mamma. You guys want to go to the beach, let’s go to the beach.

KELLY:        Awe, Slater, do you mean it?

SLATER:       I sure do.

(SLATER dangles his dad’s car keys from his finger.)

ZACK:         Alright Slater!

LISA:         Great! I cannot wait to soak up some rays this weekend.

KELLY:        I know, won’t it be so much fun!

SCREECH:      I’m excited to try out my new floating device. Its radio controlled and shaped like a whale. I’m going to cruise for chicks.

LISA:         (sassy) Please.  The only chicks you’ll ever get are chick-lets.

(Audience laughs.)

ZACK:         So, everything is set for this weekend then, right, Slater?

SLATER:       Sure thing.

KELLY:        Wow, I can’t wait!

(Everyone wanders off to class except SLATER and JESSIE.)

JESSIE:       It’s really cool that you’re dad’s letting you borrow his car.

SLATER:       Yeah. Listen, if you’re not doing anything tonight, would you like to grab a bite and see a movie?

JESSIE:       Oh, I can’t tonight. I’m meeting with Dwayne to study for our Chemistry test.

SLATER:       Dwayne? You’re standing me up for…Dwayne!?

JESSIE:       Slater, I’m not standing you up. I really have to stu–-

SLATER:       Shut it, mamma! I don’t want to hear it!

JESSIE:       Slater, please, just cool off.

SLATER:       No, you cool off, Jessie!

(SLATER slams JESSIE’s locker shut and storms away. JESSIE looks around frightened and runs the other way, crying.)


(Everyone is listening to MR. TUTTLE teach about World War II. ZACK is looking at the ceiling, SCREECH and JESSIE are paying rapt attention, and SLATER is flexing his muscles.)

MR. TUTTLE:   So, as everyone can see, this moment I’m referring to is the key victory for the allies. Who can tell me what I’m talking about?

(The class groans.)

MR. TUTTLE:   A.C.? Can you tell me?

(SLATER sits up straight.)

SLATER:       Oh, sorry Mr. Tuttle. I didn’t hear what you said.

(SLATER laughs obnoxiously and high-fives MOOSE, who’s sitting behind him.)

MR. TUTTLE:   I asked you, my dear boy, what the key victory for the allies was during World War II?

SLATER:       When they went out for pizza?

(Audience laughs. Again SLATER laughs and high-fives Moose.)

MR. TUTTLE:   Mr. SLATER, your lack of respect for my class is unwarranted.

SLATER:       Your lack of a diet is unwarranted…sir.

SLATER laughs, MR. TUTTLE turns red and approaches.

MR. TUTTLE:   Albert Clifford, perhaps you’ll do well with a date in detention. Today, after school.

(SLATER stands up.)

SLATER:       Detention? Mr. Tuttle, you can’t be serious? My dad’ll kill me, and I’m supposed to get his car to go to the beach!

ZACK:         It’s cool, Slater, I’ll cruise around with Kelly all by my lonesome.

(Audience hoots. SLATER turns and punches ZACK’s desk, sending ZACK flying back.)

SLATER:       No, Preppy, it ain’t cool. You hear me!?

(ZACK cowers and nods his head.)

MR. TUTTLE:   That’s it, A.C. I’m calling Mr. Belding.

SLATER:       Do it and see what happens, pig.

(The class begins to freak out. The audience boos. MR. TUTTLE slowly turns around and SLATER tackles him to the ground. Half of the class cheers while the other half screams in horror. SLATER begins pummeling MR. TUTTLE’s face until he finally rises, his fists cracked and bloody.)

SLATER:       Anyone else got a detention for me? Huh?!

(The class is silent.)

SLATER:       Good. I’m going to shower. (He turns to the gang) The Max, 2PM. Get it?

GANG:         (all scared) Got it.

SLATER:       Good.

(SLATER leaves, the girls begin to cry.)


(SLATER begins to cry uncontrollably and at the same time dents every locker he crosses with a quick punch, finally veering off toward the locker-room.)


(The gang, minus SLATER, are all sitting in a booth.)

JESSIE:       Guys, I’m really concerned about SLATER.

KELLY:        (dreaming, distracted) Me too. But on the plus side, his muscles have gotten so huge and…god, he’s so, mmm…

ZACK:         Kelly?

KELLY:        Oh, sorry. I mean, yes, we need to cheer louder!

JESSIE:       What?

ZACK:         Look, I don’t know what’s going on with SLATER, but I’ll try and talk to him lat–

(Just then the door to The Max flies open. SLATER walks in carrying a girl over each shoulder. He walks over to the table and sets the girls down.)

SLATER:       Hey scrubs, this is Bambi and Candy. Make room for ‘em!

(The gang shuffles to make room for BAMBI and CANDY to sit.)

JESSIE:       Slater, are you ok?

SLATER:       I’m better than ok, mamma. I’m talking threesome-ok. (SLATER looks at Zack) Yeah, it just happened.

(Zack slumps his shoulders disappointed. The audience “awes.”)

SLATER:       (to SCREECH) Fries. Here. Now.

(SCREECH runs to grab some fries.)

SCREECH:      Here you go pal. Say, Slater, do you think you could help me bulk up like you?

(SLATER puts his arm around SCREECH’s neck and pulls him in real close. SCREECH appears to not be able to breathe.)

SLATER:       Screech, bodies like mine are the exception to the rule.

LISA:         That’s fine, people like Screech are exceptions to the rule of normal.

(Audience/Gang laughs. SLATER stops laughing and punches Lisa in the face.)

JESSIE:       Slater, what are you doing?!

(Just then the cops run into The Max with MR. TUTTLE, still bleeding.)

MR. TUTTLE:   That’s the guy, officers!

(The cops rush SLATER.)

SLATER:       Easy guys. You really think you can handle this?

(SLATER drops the cops with two punches. He stands over their bodies.)

SLATER:       Don’t mess with the best!

(SLATER snaps his fingers. BAMBI and CANDY stand up and lock arms with SLATER. As he walks by MR. TUTTLE, SLATER stops.)

SLATER:       I’ll expect an A on my midterm Mr. Chubble!

(MR. TUTTLE looks down at his fat stomach.)

SLATER:       You hear me!?

MR. TUTTLE:   Y-Yes, sir.

(SLATER walks out with the girls.)


(The desk is overturned, papers are scattered, and SLATER sits on a makeshift throne wearing a He-Man-like outfit, KELLY and JESSIE tied to the floor wearing nothing but bikinis, whimpering.)

SLATER:       God I love beach season.

JESSIE:       Please, Slater–

SLATER:       (rising, slapping JESSIE fiercely) What did you call me?

JESSIE:       (cowering) Your majesty?

SLATER:       Continue, please.

JESSIE:       Kelly and I haven’t had anything to eat in days…do you think you might show us a bit of your generosity?

SLATER:       Perhaps.

(SLATER reaches next to him and pulls out a large turkey leg. He bites into it, chewing for a moment, then spits the contents of his mouth onto JESSIE’s face.)

SLATER:       Eat up! MWAHAHA!

(A knock at the door.)

SLATER:       Yeah, what?

(The door opens and MR. BELDING enters, wearing a puffy, colorful shirt. SLATER laughs.)

SLATER:       Court jester, you make my face smile. Dance!

(MR. BELDING does a short jig.)

SLATER:       Very good. Now, what do you want?

(MR. BELDING approaches.)

MR. BELDING:  Well, I have all your homework, sir.

SLATER:       Completed?

MR. BELDING:  Well, yes, but–

SLATER:       And my chemistry midterm?

MR. BELDING:  Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

(SLATER stands, towering, his muscles pulsating.)

SLATER:       Careful, court jester. Choose your words wisely.

MR. BELDING:  (nervous and twitching) Um, you see, I uh…

SLATER:       Quit stalling.

MR. BELDING:  You got a B.

SLATER:       Okay.

MR. BELDING:  Minus.

SLATER:       WHAT?!

(SLATER begins to throw things around and bites JESSIE’s neck and kicks KELLY and approaches BELDING, blood dripping from his lips.)

SLATER:       Tell me you’re joking, jester!

MR. BELDING:  Well, you see…it was hot, and Mrs. BELDING was ovulating, and–

(SLATER reaches out and grabs BELDING’s hands, pulling each finger backward, the bones snapping, with one swift move. BELDING screams in agony.)

SLATER:       See, girls, this is why you don’t mess with me.

(SLATER turns, cries a bit, and pulls out a blender. He begins piling in fruits, veggies, meats, and finally he breaks open a syringe of steroids, emptying the contents. He mixes them for a moment and begins to drink. His muscles grow. Just then, the door barges open. Zack, Lisa, and SCREECH enter.)

SLATER:       What do you want?

ZACK:         We’ve come to talk to you, Slater.

SCREECH:      And we brought some homemade chicken noodle soup. It’ll make you feel better.

(SCREECH presents a pot of soup.)

SLATER:       Hmm. (thinking) Leave the soup and be gone with yourselves!

SCREECH:      Well, ok, but I’m gonna need the pot back.

ZACK:         Screech, just shut up. Slater, we need to talk.

SLATER:       Slater no feel like talk. Slater feel like nap.

ZACK:         What was that?

SLATER:       I said get the hell out of my office!

SCREECH:      Well, no you didn’t, you said (mocking SLATER) ‘SLATER no feel like talk, SLATER feel like’–

(ZACK hits SCREECH over the head.)

ZACK:         You’re not helping.

SCREECH:      Well neither are you. Beating up on me won’t help Slater.

ZACK:         Just shut up.

LISA:         Yeah, Screech, let Zack talk.

SLATER:       Silence! How dare a woman open her mouth in my court!

LISA:         You’re court?

SLATER:       Especially a woman of such dark complexion!

LISA:         (hands on her hips)Excuse me?

ZACK:         Lisa, please, just let me handle this.

SLATER:       You, blonde boy, what have you to say?

ZACK:         Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re concerned about you.

SLATER:       Concerned about me? Haha! I need nobody’s concern.

ZACK:         Slater, it’s obvious you need help.

SLATER:       The only help I need is shutting you up!

(SLATER claps his hands. Immediately OX enters the office.)

SLATER:       Take these…these children away.

OX:           Yes, sir!

(OX salutes SLATER. He then proceeds to grab SCREECH, Lisa and Zack and drag them out of the office.)

SCREECH:      Don’t forget to wash that pot!

(Audience laughs. SLATER goes to his thrown and sits. He claps his hands and almost instantly JESSIE and KELLY rise and begin to dance. SLATER smiles.)

SLATER:       Me the king.


(ZACK, LISA, SCREECH, MR. TUTTLE and MR. BELDING stand in a small circle. MR. BELDING’s fingers are all bandaged up.)

ZACK:         Guys, we gotta figure something out. There is no way I’ll let Slater be the king of this school. No way at all.

LISA:         And you’re worried for our friends’ lives too, aren’t you? Right, Zack?

(ZACK thinks for a moment, staring off into space.)

ZACK:         Yeah, sure, whatever.

SCREECH:      Well, when I’m faced with a bully, I usually stuff myself in the locker so they can’t. Saves us both time.

(Everyone groans. Audience laughs.)

LISA:         I’ll stuff you in a locker, dummy!

SCREECH:      Yeah, I know, Lisa. That’s what I just alluded to…being stuffed into a locker.

LISA:         (excited) Well, I just meant that I’ll be the one doing it!

(LISA looks around for a nod of encouragement. Everyone hangs their head low. LISA sighs and retreats to the corner.)

MR. BELDING:  Well, all I know is A.C. needs some strict discipline.

MR. TUTTLE:   (pointing to BELDING’s bandages) What, Richard, are you going to be the one to give it to him?

MR. BELDING:  That’s enough, Glenn.

(The two stare at one another ferociously.)

ZACK:         That’s enough, tough guys.

(ZACK goes to a locker and pulls out a brown paper bag.)

SCREECH:      Gee, Zack, what’s that? Lunch?

(Audience laughs. Zack reaches in and pulls out fifteen syringes of steroids.)

ZACK:         You could say that.

LISA:         I don’t know about this, Zack.

ZACK:         We don’t have any other choice, Lisa. Do we?

LISA:         Well, I suppose not. Mr. Belding?

MR. BELDING:  Look, kids. This is out of my hands…literally. I say we fight fire with fire.

MR. TUTTLE:   I agree with Richard on this.

(MR. TUTTLE reaches behind him and pulls out a glock handgun, sliding the hammer into place. BELDING and ZACK nod.)

LISA:         But Zack, What about the implications of injecting that much steroid at once? I
mean, you could get really sick?

ZACK:         That’s true, Lisa. Which is why…I’m testing it on you!

(ZACK lunges forward and stabs every needle simultaneously into LISA’s neck. The wound begins to fester and bubble until LISA falls back, hitting her head on a locker. Audience laughs. After a moment of shaking, LISA stands up. She has become quite larger. She looks at her arms and admires her new physique.)

SCREECH:      Lisa, my love, are you ok?

(LISA grabs SCREECH by the neck with one hand and lifts him high into the air.)

LISA:         Never better!

(LISA throws SCREECH into a wall of lockers. Audience hoots.)

MR. BELDING:  My God! What have we done?

(LISA starts marching towards ZACK and MR. BELDING. They cower against some lockers.)

ZACK:         LISA, please.

LISA:         There is no escape from me!

ZACK:         But Lisa, we need you to defeat Slater!

LISA:         Why would I waste my time on a weakling like Slater? I will destroy everybody!

ZACK:         (thinking, flustered) But lisa, he…he–

MR. BELDING:  He said your hair looks like tumbleweeds!

(LISA stops.)

ZACK:         Oh, good one sir.

LISA:         He said what?!

(LISA turns and storms down the hallway.)

ZACK:         Come on sir. We have to find some estrogen and fast!

(ZACK and MR. BELDING run the opposite way.)


(KELLY and JESSIE are spanking each other in front of SLATER. The audience hoots.)

SLATER:       Fabulous, my pets. Fabulous.

(SLATER grins and stares at the camera, winking. Just then the office door flies open. LISA is standing there, her clothes torn from her muscles.)

SLATER:       What the..?

LISA:         You. You think you know so much about hair! I’ll teach you a thing or two!

SLATER:       Ah, I see you’ve harnessed the power of the ‘roid. But do you know how to use it!!!

(SLATER shoves six syringes into his arm.)

SLATER:       Ah, yes. It’s so good.

(SLATER continues to grow.)

LISA:         You and me. Gymnasium. Now!

SLATER:       A challenge?

LISA:         I will destroy you!


(ZACK and MR. BELDING are mixing some chemicals together, wearing white lab coats and goggles.)

MR. BELDING:  Are you sure about this, Zack?

ZACK:         I have to be sure, sir. It’s the only way.

MR. BELDING:  But we’ve already created two monsters!

ZACK:         And I’m prepared to create yet another.

(ZACK reaches behind his back and pulls out a plastic baggy with a lock of hair inside. Reaching in carefully, he pulls it out and empties the hair into a test-tube. A volatile reaction ensues.)


(ZACK looks at the liquid, then to BELDING.)

ZACK:         I’m not going to take it.

MR. BELDING:  Don’t look at me. Mrs. B is making pot roast tonight. Yum.

ZACK:         Well, who can we use to defeat those monsters? Eureka!


(ZACK and MR. BELDING rush in to find a semi-conscious SCREECH still lying beneath the lockers. MR. TUTTLE is nowhere to be found.)

MR. BELDING:  I wonder where Glenn is?

ZACK:         No time for that. Quick, give me the serum!

(MR. BELDING hands ZACK the test tube, which has now become purple, and dumps it into SCREECH’s mouth as he tries to wiggle free.)

SCREECH:      Zack! What are you doing…to…me?!

SCREECH swallows the formula and begins to shake violently, smoke shooting from all pores.

ZACK – Maybe we needed more diet soda.

After a moment, SCREECH’s shaking stops. He collects himself and stands up. MR. BELDING and Zack stare in astonishment.

SCREECH – What did you do to me?

(ZACK grabs a mirror and holds it up for SCREECH. SCREECH looks in the mirror to see a slightly more feminine version of himself looking back.)

SCREECH:      Wha…?

(SCREECH starts feeling around his body. He stops on his new breasts. Audience hoots.)

SCREECH:      Oh, wow! These feel amazing!

MR. BELDING:  Zack, what did you do?

ZACK:         Look, sir. Slater and Lisa are loaded with testosterone right now. They’ve become excessively macho. The only weakness they possess is a strong affinity for women. SLATER has already enslaved Kelly and Jessie. I figure if we can get close enough, and by we, I mean Screech, he or, now, she, can inject Lisa and Slater with this.

(Zack holds some syringes in his hand.)

MR. BELDING:  More steroids?

ZACK:         No, concentrated estrogen.

MR. BELDING:  Of course!

ZACK:         If SCREECH can inject these into them, it should counter the effect of the steroids.

SCREECH:      Zack, you gotta feel these! They’re amazing!

ZACK:         Quiet, Screech. I’ve touched boobs before.

MR. BELDING:  I think this might work.

ZACK:         Okay, Screech, listen to me. We’re going to the gymnasium. You’re going to approach LISA and SLATER and inject them with this solution.

SCREECH:      Oh, I don’t know Zack. I think it’s my time of the month.

ZACK:         Dammit, Screech! You’ve been a woman for three minutes. You’re not menstruating!

SCREECH:      I know that. It’s my time of the month to be hall monitor. I can’t leave!

MR. BELDING:  Screech, I absolve you of your duties.

SCREECH:      Oh thank you sir. That sash made my hips look huge!

(Audience laughs.)

MR. BELDING:  Zack, are you sure about this?

(Zack puts his hands on BELDING’s shoulders. They stare at each other.)

ZACK:         Not at all, sir. But we don’t have any other choice.


(SLATER and LISA are squaring off.)

SLATER:       Those ‘roids must have rotted your brain. You can’t beat me.

LISA:         Honey, I ain’t just gonna beat you, I’m going to destroy you!

(ZACK, MR. BELDING and SCREECH enter through a side door.)

ZACK:         Okay, Screech, this is our last chance. Just get close enough to poke them with these needles.

(SCREECH begins to dance around in place, as SLATER and LISA begin to go at it, locking arms and pinning one another in complex wrestling positions. They are, it seems, evenly matched.)

ZACK:         Screech, you idiot! Hurry!

SCREECH:      (lackadaisically) La la la, I’m so pretty! Look at these curls!

(SCREECH begins to trot around the gym, much to the chagrin of ZACK and MR. BELDING.)

MR. BELDING:  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, Zack.

(Just then, as SLATER and LISA begin to go at it, MR. TUTTLE breaks through the gym doors, glock in hand, leading a chained JESSIE and Kellie behind him with a leash.)


MR. TUTTLE:   That’s right, boys! Glenn Tuttle has his day!

(MR. TUTTLE laughs and begins shooting in the air wildly like a cowboy. One shot ricochets and hits SLATER in the shoulder, another whizzes by LISA’s hair, trimming off a good inch or two.)

LISA:         Oh no he didn’t!

SLATER:       Get ‘em!

(LISA and SLATER suddenly turn their attention to MR. TUTTLE, who, because of a bad case of myopia, cannot see where he is firing, wasting shot after shot until the beasts are finally upon him.)

(SLATER pins him down with one arm and reaches behind his back with another, pulling out at least a few dozen syringes of steroid, dividing them evenly and injecting them. SLATER and LISA double in size almost instantly.)

(SCREECH has now found a full-length mirror and practices pouting in front of it. ZACK slaps his face.)

ZACK:         We’re doomed!

MR. BELDING:  Not yet we’re not!

(Grabbing the concentrated estrogen, MR. BELDING ingests it all, quickly growing twice as tall and three times as beautiful.)

ZACK:         But sir, you’re so, so–

(MR. BELDING steps through a puff of smoke and is revealed as a CALISTA FLOCKHART/BELDING look-alike, nine feet tall.)

MR. BELDING:  That’s right, son. I’m top-notch!

(Sauntering over to SLATER and LISA who have begun to tear at MR. TUTTLE’s flesh, MR. BELDING stops for a moment.)

MR. BELDING:  Hey, uglies!

(Everyone turns to see BELDING, posing.)

MR. BELDING:  You want a piece of this?

(SLATER and LISA stare in astonishment.)

MR. BELDING:  That’s right. Come and get me.

(MR. BELDING turns to walk away, shaking his hips seductively as he does so. SLATER and LISA continue their gaze, unmoving. MR. BELDING nods to ZACK. ZACK looks back to SLATER and LISA. He looks over to MR. TUTTLE. MR. TUTTLE is struggling to his feet. He grabs his gun and points it at SLATER and LISA.)

ZACK:         No!

(ZACK runs and tackles MR. TUTTLE just as a shot is fired. It ricochets off a basketball rim, up into the ceiling, and strikes a hanging light fixture. The two stare up. The light fixture begins to shake side to side. Finally, its supports snap and the light comes crashing down. ZACK and MR. TUTTLE watch as it falls to the ground. It lands on the heads of both SLATER and LISA, knocking them unconscious instantly.)

ZACK:         Whoa!

(Everyone runs to the fallen bodies.)

SCREECH:      Oh my god, oh my god! Are they ok?

ZACK:         They’ll be fine.

MR. BELDING:  (adjusting his breasts) What do we do know?


(SLATER, LISA, SCREECH and MR. BELDING are laying on gurneys. Various tubes are connecting each of their bodies.)

MR. BELDING:  Zack, are you sure about this?

ZACK:         It’s the only thing I am sure of these days.

MR. BELDING:  Explain to me again exactly what we’re doing here?

ZACK:         Mr. Tuttle and I have rigged up this extravagant system. You and Screech are both overflowing with estrogen. Slater and Lisa are overflowing with testosterone. We’re going to perform a four-way blood exchange to even out each of your systems.


ZACK:         That way, the four of you will be more stabilized. Any adjustments can be made after that.

MR. BELDING:  But have you ever done this before?

MR. TUTTLE:   No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.

(Everyone stares at MR. TUTTLE. Audience hoots.)

ZACK:         Anyway, I don’t see how this can miss.

MR. BELDING:  Hmmm, but what if our blood types aren’t the same?

(Zack and MR. TUTTLE think for a moment. Then stare at MR. BELDING, then at each other. Finally, MR. TUTTLE hits MR. BELDING in the head with a baseball bat.)

ZACK:         Thanks, Glenn. I thought we’d never get started.

(Zack starts the transfusion.)

ZACK:         So how is Mrs. TUTTLE?

MR. TUTTLE:   She’s home, sick. She always seems to get sick when the pool boy makes his monthly visit. I just don’t get it. She doesn’t go to work, won’t meet me for lunch. I guess it’s pretty bad.

(Zack stares blankly.)

ZACK:         Right.

MR. TUTTLE:   So, how long is this going to take?

(Zack pulls out a stopwatch.)

ZACK:         It’s time, Tuttle!

(MR. TUTTLE reaches forward and pulls a giant lever. Lights flash, smoke rises, bubbles bubble and the room is suddenly shrouded in darkness — the power has gone out. After a moment of silence, the power goes on. ZACK and MR. TUTTLE wave their arms to get the smoke to dissipate.)

MR. TUTTLE:   Did it work?

ZACK:         I’m not sure…

(Zack walks to the gurneys and suddenly SCREECH pops up with the body of LISA.)

ZACK:         Oh no!

(SCREECH’s body comes to life with LISA’s head atop.)

LISA:         Why do I have the sudden urge to play with worms?

SCREECH:      Zack, what have you done?

ZACK:         I am so sorry, SCREECH.

(MR. TUTTLE comes forth.)

MR. TUTTLE:   I don’t really understand how their bodies would switch in this scenario, seeing as all we did was switch their blood and–-

(MR. TUTTLE is suddenly shot in the head by an unknown assailant and falls to the floor dead. Nobody notices.)

ZACK:         I’m so sorry, Screech.

SCREECH:      Sorry? Why are you sorry buddy? I finally get to be close to my sweetness.

(SCREECH fondles himself and begins to massage his upper thighs.)

SCREECH:      You like that baby? Yeah, I thought you might.

LISA:         Hey! Leave my body alone!

(Zack suddenly runs to BELDING and SLATER, who appear to have returned to normal. SLATER is waking up.)

SLATER:       Whoa, Preppy.  What happened back there?

ZACK:         What happened? You were hooked on steroids, man.

SLATER:       I was?

ZACK:         Yeah, don’t you see how dangerous they are now? Don’t be ashamed of your body, SLATER. When you mess with what God gave you, bad things are going to happen.

(Suddenly MR. BELDING rises from his gurney still looking like a beautiful woman.)

MR. BELDING:  Speak for yourself!

(SLATER turns to see BELDING.)

SLATER:       Hubba hubba!

ZACK:         The formula…it didn’t work!

MR. BELDING:  No, it did. I just ripped my IVs out at the last minute. I mean c’mon, have you ever seen breasts like these?

SLATER:       (smiling) Never, sir.

(MR. BELDING looks to SLATER longingly and they hold hands. Zack smiles and faces the camera.)

ZACK:         Well, things seemed to wrap up nice and neat. Looks like another normal day here at Bay–-

(Suddenly Zack is shot by an unknown assailant right in the head and falls to the floor dead.)

LISA:         But what about JESSIE and KELLY?

(Everyone laughs. Cue End Credits Music.)


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